i remember this one time i was talking to a nice lady i had seen the baltimore symphony perform stravinsky's rite of spring which i had been waiting my whole damn life to witness
(i got chills i had to shake off my excitement grin stuck in my face) and this nice lady shook her head and said i always feel so weird going to see a "concert" because i don't know what the hell to look at
"baby i wanna give you something that's invisible you motherfucker i'm gonna give you some of that invisibility"
karen finley said that in a performance of her piece "the constant state of desire" when i hear that phrase, "constant state of desire," i think about how i feel the most desire for something as simple as a musical phrase
i think about the constant state of learning that is wrapped up in enjoying and understanding the invisibility of a sound wave that HITS you physically compels you to react with neurons tangled up and holy
there is also a constant state of desire found in the seeking out the return to familiar sounds embedded in a mythology, discovery of self in relation to the rest of some sort of weird eternity
i mean to use tighter terms we all have the song the artist the one album that we all know like we know our mother's laugh and i think it is important to spend time in the space those creations forged inside of us
we've been listening and bracing ourselves for all kinds of vibration since our wombunity and goddamnit why aren't more people afraid of being damned to silence id rather get put deep in the ground then give up the good waves
when i was young my mom and my dad drove around a lot and my dad was particular about what we would listen to on the long drives i wonder still if he wanted to teach me about history and mythology and the poetics of the faintest nationalism or maybe just pride i don't know but the synthesis of the american landscape with The Band's Second Album The Brown Album The Band is to me a most substantial thing
"history is", according to Suzan-Lori Parks "time that won't quit" well music that wont quit is music that sits outside of history--perhaps entirely founded on and lauding history by means of its own miraculous existence--but that manages to render context irrelevant
john cage invented "dream" "in a landscape" in 1948 it is an abyss of sustained movement existing all in a stream of nerves who cares about history when your skin can glow with infinite notation the destiny of the human ear is quite well known
i sorta feel guilty i waste a lot of time listening to music maybe it is unproductive to just hear all damn day and not do my homework because i am too busy branding my brain with madonna maybe i am just a lousy hedonist who doesn't tend to the life of the mind in the right ways but experiencing sensation that exists only inside of me is productive
its always shining on the inside it makes me smolder i think some people think it is lonely to burn with secrets but i just call it radiation
sometimes when i felt sad in high school i would play a song on my computer that would purposefully make me cry but i don't do that kind of thing anymore i would lay in my bed under all my covers with my purple walkman and writhe and soak my pillowcase in tears or sweat or cum the only way i learned anything about myself was from iTunes or cds (when i listened to my Shania Twain cassette tape in the 3rd grade i wasn't really learning anything about myself except that i am sucker for fake string arrangements or maybe it just reminded me of a better music ala rag mama rag that had already crystalized itself in my mind as perfectly pure as part of something bigger)
the genesis of all those myths is still happening in my ears always and my own myths are still surfacing in menacing synthesizers noise that is clean and precise harmonies that, due to strict combinations of vibrations, will forever tear me apart cause thats how i was made
made to be a radiant mess with a clenched jaw made to be tense made to wait made to dig a thief or believe in anything
its all just guts and shadows anyway
image is tired it is tiresome to be seeing its not like you can turn off your ears i guess i maybe just contradicted myself but doesn't it feel like a nice thing that you hear what you hear without trying aint no blinks for the sonic man cant turn that shit off even if you try typing it out makes it sound scary actually and yet what feels more right than the sound of breath escaping screaming softly to its fellow elements: "i feel so free"
